Welcome to EU’s ‘tour de farce’

Date: 17/04/1997

A NEW task force has been put to work by Jacques Santer to promote “tourism within the Commission”.

The exact brief of this high-level team was unclear until Voicebox discovered the following draft promotional brochure awaiting the attentions of the shredder in an office in the European Commission's Breydel headquarters.

Headed A Week in the European Union, it outlines a cultural itinerary and invites new Commission staff from all grades who wish to join the informative and exciting trip to contact the institution's Department of Exotic Travel.

The itinerary is as follows:

Day One: Depart Breydel building, headquarters of Commission President Jacques Santer. We walk to the shrouded Berlaymont Temple, the magnificent and immaculately preserved former Commission headquarters. Marvel at the four cantilevered office blocks radiating from a central hub.

On the way to the Berlaymont, pause at the site of the Corkscrew public house, reduced to rubble to make way for more Commission buildings. This historic site is soon to be home to one of Emma Bonino's directorate-general armies. Learn how former Commissioner Sir Ivor (now Lord) Richard used to hold court in the oak-panelled bar while his chauffeur-driven car waited outside.

Overnight at the Council of agriculture ministers in the Justus Lipsius building.

Day Two: Still in Brussels. An early start from the Justus Lipsius building where talks will still be going on, taking in the Charlemagne building, sadly with little left of its historic exterior.

Walk on the concrete where fishermen memorably dumped thousands of tonnes of slimy fish early one morning in olden times. Then we go by coach with a local guide for a site-seeing trip around the Commission's 60 different buildings housing 15,000 officials. Packed lunch.

Return to Rond-Point Schuman area for inclusive supper with wine in a typical restaurant where Eurocrats dine.

Day Three: In the morning, attend a committee meeting of the European Parliament in one of its many buildings. An attempt will be made to cross the road between the Van Maerlant building to the main door of the Belliard building, retracing the exact steps of many early Euro MP settlers.

A visit to the site of the Espace Léopold building is scheduled for early afternoon. Here we watch archaeologists who have uncovered the start of a new European Parliament hemi-cycle, long believed unnecessary, at work. Talk to experts who are trying to piece together the future of European democracy by observing the building work in progress.

In the afternoon, navigate the corridors of power from the Espace Léopold to the Valley of the Forgotten Eastman building, using no fewer than 17 corridors and six lifts travelling between four floors.

Guides will point out the multicoloured flow charts on ancient walls, believed to have been intended to help early dwellers find their way from place to place. Their exact meaning is still being examined by historians.

Day Four: Depart in the early hours by air-conditioned coach for Luxembourg and the climb across the great Kirchberg Plateau. Situated high above the ravines of the old city, the plateau contains dozens of astonishing buildings.

Stand back to admire the original European Parliament secretariat building and its matching Council of Ministers' block. Here we can search for old long-forgotten fossils and enter the bowels of a virtually unknown European Parliament hemi-cycle, pinioned to the cliff face with stunning views into the abyss below.

Early explorers believe it was evacuated many years ago without ceremony, probably to avoid some impending natural disaster such as enlargement. If there is time, an even earlier hemi-cycle can be visited before departing by road bridge for a nearby hotel where rooms will have been double-booked, exactly as they were in early times.

Day Five: Visit to the European Court of Justice. Notice how all the metalwork on the outside is going rusty. Then gasp when official guides reveal that this is deliberate.

Inside, visit the Court of First Instance and stand on the spot where an unknown footballer called Bosman was mobbed by fans after striking a landmark blow for the freedom of workers. There will also be time to visit the canteen, said to be one of the finest of any EU institution.

Late afternoon departure by air-conditioned coach for Luxembourg airport and a flight to Strasbourg.

Arrive in Strasbourg by rickety coach from Basle, where the plane will have been diverted because of traditional-style fog. The journey takes us along the very same roads and past the very same villages that drivers are still using today.

Day Six: Visit the Palais des Congrès, home of Euro MPs for one week a month. If Parliament is in session, visit the public gallery to count the number of elected representatives sitting in the chamber.

If not, visit the Council of Europe secretariat and learn how this has nothing to do with the European Union. Officials love telling tales of confusion between the two institutions and will point out with a little encouragement that the Council of Europe pre-dates the EU and that it has already introduced a convention on cloning while the Brussels Commission is still considering thinking about it.

Overnight at a well-known local hotel. Drink in the bar where a former Commissioner is said to have once thrown an ashtray at a vast mirror, smashing it to smithereens.

Day Seven: A morning visit to the latest European Parliament hemi-cycle to be unearthed. Historians will tell you how they have poured over contemporary records without establishing its purpose.

Then a brisk walk over a picturesque, albeit unremarkable bridge to the European Court of Human Rights. See how builders forgot to finish the interior, leaving exposed tubing and aluminium stairways seemingly hanging in mid-air.

You will gasp at the breathtaking design, particularly the use of two massive oil drums to house twin courtrooms. Officials will explain how this establishment has nothing to do with the European Court of Justice, and certainly does not use rusty metal.

Early afternoon departure for Strasbourg airport and the flight back to Brussels. Arrival in Brussels in time to browse in one of those funny shops that only sells things in blue and gold.

Finally, enjoy a farewell drink with President Jacques Santer.