Wanted: 7,000 yogic flyers to solve all Europe’s problems

Date: 07/03/1996

SOLVING unemployment and poverty is somewhere near the top of Jacques Santer's political agenda. Ending wars would rank pretty high up the scale too, if only he or the rest of Europe could do anything effective about them. And tackling hunger is the prime concern of many of the EU's third world partners.

So why, oh why, is everyone ignoring the claims of the one person on earth who says he has the means to solve unemployment, poverty, war and hunger (not necessarily in that order), as well as banishing 37 other chronic diseases including gallstones, irritable bowel syndrome, benign prostatic hypertrophy and haemorrhoids?

It has got to be a tempting offer, particularly as the Commission president now says the jobs crisis is threatening the 1999 launch date for the single currency.

And yet nobody, it appears, has given a thought to trying out the confident claims of the man who gave the world transcendental meditation 37 years ago, the man, who, indirectly, taught us all that a sitar is not just someone who looks after the baby, but a bona fide musical instrument.

When are the Euro-grants going to give this man the chance to prove himself? After all, what has anyone got to lose except street credibility and a sizeable EU subsidy to a bunch of earnest prophets for peace and good health? If you were suffering from war and piles, poverty and eczema or a debilitating dose of unemployment, chronic sinusitis and psoriasis, wouldn't you give it a go?

Of course you would, and Jacques Santer and his regional fund managers can ill afford to sniff at someone who might, just might, have the answers. Big bucks have been paid out before for dafter ideas.

So step forward, Your Holiness Maharishi Mahesh Yogi, tap the Commission for the cash and change the world.

The Maharishi is, admittedly, unlikely to knock at the door in person. He is a bit reclusive

these days, all those years after teaching George Harrison to make his sitar gently weep.

He is the mastermind behind the Natural Law Party, which fielded 400 candidates in the last Euro elections on a platform, if that's the right word, of bouncing up and down for the good of the planet.

While other parties promise a crock of gold tomorrow, the Natural Law Party offers you peace and prosperity today.

All it takes is 7,000 full-time bouncers, working in shifts six hours a day, to smother Europe in a soothing balm which will slash crime, reduce car accidents, improve education standards and revive the economy.

It has also been scientifically proven, according to Reinhard Biorowitz, the German secretary-general of the Maharishi European Council of Natural Law Parties. He says yogic flying has already been employed to end wars in Mozambique and Cambodia, and cut crime in Washington, the murder capital of the world.

But the party cannot fund the necessary minimum of 7,000 full-time flyers required to ensure long-term recovery. Hence the need for Euro-cash and the earnest campaign for seats in the European Parliament.

The Natural Law Party has not picked up voters on a grand scale yet, but it's early days. The party has, after all, won a regional seat in Holland and mopped up 1.7&percent; of votes in Switzerland and 0.8&percent; of votes in Italy.

“That doesn't sound a lot and it isn't,” said Reinhard, frankly. “But it means we have several million followers.”

This remark came at a press conference where a sample of po-faced bouncers boinged up and down on mattresses, arms crossed and legs akimbo, in a bid to set up the necessary world-embracing Mexican airwave which carries with it peace and tranquillity.

Journalists were unmoved, but, as Reinhard pointed out, you need 7,000 of these people to make the necessary impact. This was just a low-frequency demonstration of yogic flying.

No, said Reinhard in reply to a question, he did not think there was a problem convincing the world that the party was not “stark raving mad”.

In fact, the Natural Law Party could bounce warring factions in the former Yugoslavia into lasting peace and serenity if only it could jet the 7,000 yogic flyers to the scene, he insisted.

Then why has it not done so? Simple. “We cannot afford to.” Apparently it is not possible to yogically fly to the scene, or to any other trouble spot on the globe.

“Of course, our followers practise yogic flying privately for their own good, but to have a lasting effect we need 7,000 yogic flyers, and preferably more, permanently at work,” explains Reinhard, adding: “Man-made intelligence is not enough. We need to enliven the integrating powers of natural law. Any government that does so can solve all problems.”

So why should we believe him? Well, gallstones are, apparently, the flyers' latest success. The Maharishi's 'Vedic' approach to health has shown improvements in 70&percent; of gallstone cases, as well as significant benefits for sufferers from 36 other nasty ailments. All this without any surgery.

Vedic means pertaining to Veda. Veda and Vedic literature have been held to be the expression of total knowledge of Natural Law, which is, in turn, the expression of the inner intelligence in creation.

The Maharishi's approach aims to re-establish the balance between the body and its own inner intelligence through Vedic knowledge. In other words, it involves lots of herbal preparations, yoga exercises, music therapy and, of course, tried and tested transcendental meditation.

Even as we speak there are individuals giving the treatment a chance at the Medical Centre of Maharishi Vedic University in Valkenburg, in the Netherlands. Individuals, note, not governments or, for example, Commissioners.

If the chap claims evidence to show he can cure our collective chronic constipation and rheumatoid arthritis, not to mention delivering jobs, full tummies and long-term peace, isn't it time someone put the bouncers into Bosnia and checked out the medical facilities in Valkenburg?

After all, Jacques, it's no more pie-in-the-sky than, say, writing an unemployment chapter into the EU treaty as a way of creating work for all.

Besides, have you got any better ideas?