Santer’s Christmas broadcast left on the cutting room floor

Date: 04/01/1996

Revelations in European Voice that Jacques Santer is launching a New Year campaign to increase his personal power prompted the Commission President to pull the plug on what had been intended as his first-ever Christmas message to the Union.

The aim was to speak direct to the peoples of 15 nations in their living-rooms via the miracle of satellite television.

But even before European Voice spilled the beans about Santer's power bid, the project had run into trouble: Santer's little helpers were increasingly concerned that the Christmas message would alienate ordinary citizens; Klaus Hänsch, president of the European Parliament, was demanding equal air time; and the Economic and Social Committee said no broadcast could go ahead until it had delivered its opinion.

The broadcast was duly scrapped - but not until after it had been taped and edited, ready to be dropped into all television programme schedules just after lunchtime on 25 December.

Santer recorded his message not just once, but 11 times, in all the EU's official languages. It is understood that he was reluctant to attempt Greek, Finnish, Danish or Swedish. But then somebody pointed out that Santer's only real competition - the Pope - routinely delivered his yule-tide homily in 55 tongues.

Television was chosen as the medium for the message because the Breydel lacks a balcony and because there is not enough space on the pavement below to cope with the crush of several bodies all straining to hear the president's words.

When the recording was completed and the broadcast subsequently scrapped, a lowly fonctionnaire was given the task of destroying the 11 different versions.

But one survives and we have obtained it. What follows is a transcript of the English-language version of a frank, forthright and indeed historic address which would otherwise never be seen or heard...

(As the picture fades in, Santer is sitting in an oak-panelled drawing-room, in front of the European flag. A log fire burns in the grate to his right. Two corgi dogs are sitting in front of it. The European anthem is playing, pianissimo. The camera closes in on Santer, who beams and leans forward...)

“Greetings my people, at zis festive time. From ze far norss of mein empire, in ze land of reindeer and snow to ze far sousse, in ze land of sea and sunburn, I wish you joy and 'appiness for ze season and ze coming yair.

“And let us 'ope zat it will be a yair which will fulfil ze promise of a European Onion in which we are united in ze goal of creating a European family, a family of 'armony and goodwill, a family in which ze strongest can 'elp ze weakest, and ze weakest can clean up on ze mega-handouts from my money-bags.

“Mon Onion and I intend to build on ze triumphs of ze past douze mois, a period of mixed fortunes for so many of us. It was, in so many ways, an annus horribilus for me; a year in which I faced sreats to my aussority, not just from wizout, but also from wizin.

“I need 'ardly remind you of ze wretched publication of a slimy leetle book by Bernard Connolly, whose goose is, appropriately enough in zis festive season, about to be cooked.

“Zen zair was ze ridiculous attempt by zat Danish woman to reveal teetbeets from behind ze Commission's portes fermes. It is ironic, my citizens, zat such political incorrectness should emerge from my determination to be politically correct and install more women at ze top of ze tree.

“Ze hand zat is doing ze feeding 'as been bitten and, as zay say in your magnificent Blighty, une fois bitten, zwei mal shy.

“Ze feeling in ze bones told me she was trouble ze minute she climbed off ze back of zat Triumph Bonneville on day one, but what can I do until I get more power?

“Not power, comprenez vous, for its own sake, but for ze sake of my Europe, your Europe, our Europe.

“I can assure you zat while my dedication to equal treatment remains as firm as evair, I draw ze line at maverick female Vikings paddling zair own canoes up my river.

“And talking of rivers and canoes, it is mon firm intention zat we in ze Commission must in future all row togezzer, preferably in ze same direction. It would also be of great 'elp if, from time to time, we could all make sure we are aboard ze same damned boat!

“But at zis festive time let us dwell not on ze black clouds, but on ze silver linings. We are launching our intergouvernamental conferonze and we are on ze track for ze economic and monetary onion.

“And I assure you, mes petites choux, zat in all zese bresstaking strides into our future, your voice will be 'eard. Zat is why I am launching advertising campaigns to tell you what we are doing and why.

“Admittedly, zis is not quite ze same as consulting you first, but it is better zan a poke in ze eye wiz a sharp stick, as you Britisher people are so fond of saying!

“Our biggest success in 1995, naturellement, was naming our new baby, ze single currency. As you know, any name was fine by me, but when ze push came to ze shove, it was down to settling on somesing totally meaningless so zat we could all accept it wizout fear of a backlash publique.

“Zat, my friends, is democracy at work, and zair is plenty more where zat came from, I can assurez vous, as I magnanimously spread my arms to welcome our new friends from Eastern Europe into ze Onion.

“My people, your future is safe wiz jolly Jacques Santer. Wiz me at ze 'elm we are going places. Ignore ze sceptics. What do zay know?

“And to zose who wish to shake my hand in gratitude, I say ze boot is on ze uzzer foot. My fellow citizens of zis great Onion of ours, it is not you who sank me - it is I who sank you.”