More adventures in never-never land

Date: 10/12/1998

Geoff Meade takes a light-hearted look at life in the European Union

A CHARMING new book designed to educate Africans about the preservation of endangered species has just been produced by ECOFAC, funded by the Directorate-General for development, whose European Commissioner is Joao de Deus Pinheiro.

The delightful tale tells the story of a boy who has a vivid dream in which he is shown the dangers humankind poses for the natural world. In the dream, rare sea creatures are mercilessly hunted for profit and put at risk by the erosion of their natural environment. The boy vows to make amends and grows up to become manager of a worthy project to save the giant tortoises of Sao Tomé.

The story, in cartoon strip form, is called “Joao's Marvellous Adventure”, in homage to the Commissioner whose funding has made it all possible.

Inevitably, the publication has triggered controversy. Other Commissioners are jealous of their colleague's exposure and are frantically developing promotional projects which can bear their names.

No publication dates are yet fixed, but Voicebox has obtained drafts of other EU-backed cartoon strips now being prepared as educational tools and, more importantly, as lasting monuments to the Commissioners whose selfless allocation of public funds has made them possible.

“Pádraig's Blustery Day”: the touching story of a small boy who is sent out to work by his parents at the age of six to help the family make enough money to put some bread on the table. Pádraig is ruthlessly exploited by a Tipperary chimney-sweep who encourages him to take up smoking despite overwhelming statistical evidence of a link between smoking and coughing.

Pádraig works so hard that the chimney-sweep is overcome with compassion. As he dies from smoking-related diseases, he makes Pádraig promise to devote his life to the fight for social mobility for all. Pádraig also vows that when he grows up he will make sure that no one ever again works more than 48 hours in a week, averaged out over four months, even if they really, really want to.

“Emma's Fantastic Voyage”: A small girl from a deprived background sets out to become famous. She builds a hot air balloon from old newspapers and sets off from her home in Bra, Italy, to fly around the world doing good works. Emma lands wherever there is trouble, freeing the oppressed and handing out food parcels, particularly to women and film crews.

She overcomes prejudice about her background and radical beliefs, and achieves the ultimate goal of being singled out by the World Economic Forum as sports minister in a hypothetical 'Dream Cabinet' for a global government. The story ends when Emma receives a standing ovation as she accepts an interplanetary humanitarian aid award with the words: “Not bad - for a woman!”

“Mr Monti's Flying Circus”: A moving account of one man's attempts to stop people moving accounts without paying appropriate levels of tax on interest on their savings. Mr Monti has a vision in which the pointing finger of a giant golden hand comes down from the sky and selects him for a mission.

Mr Monti's task is to stop cynical people enjoying all the benefits of civilisation while avoiding making their rightful financial contribution. But once his work in the European Parliament is done, he moves on and convinces the entire world that paying higher taxes is actually fun. Then Mr Monti wakes up.

“Just Good Frans”: A boy grows up on an Austrian hillside horrified that people will eat more or less anything on four legs, especially if it has got a bell round its neck. He talks to the animals and promises them that when he is bigger he will sprout a big bushy beard and make sure people only eat animals or parts of animals which won't make them very ill. One day a big kindly man from Luxembourg comes along and invites Frans to go to Brussels and invent a new breed of disease-free cattle.

After several years and against incredible odds, the mission is accomplished and Frans returns to the mountains he loves so well, walking the hills all day long singing.

“Quirky Erkki and his Technicolour Dream Budget”: Erkki is a little boy from a far-away land who loves organising things. One day he is spotted jogging through the snow and is given 85 billion ecu and told to make it run the entire European Union. He goes to see a wizard who turns the money into five loaves and two fishes. Erkki, aware that he has been duped and determined to make the best of his plight, takes the five loaves and two fishes, and feeds 5,000 people. But his clever trick does not impress his benefactors, who challenge him to perform another one.

Erkki turns water into wine. Again he is urged to do better. He returns to the wizard pleading for his money back. But the mean wizard just laughs and tells him to use his own resources. The nightmare ends when Erkki is awoken by his mother, who reveals that the 85 billion ecu is still under his bed and that she has found an extra 10 billion ecu in a reserve fund which has miraculously appeared from nowhere.

“The Hows that Jacques Built”: Jacques is a very inquisitive boy who lives in a very small place called never-never land and is always asking 'how?' How does this work and how do you do that?

His inquiring mind makes him a powerful figure and one day he finds himself looking after the money in never-never land. “How did I do that?” he asks, but nobody knows. Next he finds himself in charge of the whole place; the most important man of the lot. “How did I do that?” he asks, but nobody knows.

Then one day, quite unexpectedly, he is asked to leave never-never land and move to cloud-cuckoo land to be in charge of absolutely everything. “How will I do that?” he asks, but nobody knows.

So off he goes and on the first day he meets a wise man who asks him how he intends to run things. Jacques says he doesn't know. But the wise man tells him not to worry. A week later, the wise man comes to Jacques and tells him he has appointed lots of clever people and that Jacques doesn't have to worry ever again because the clever people will take care of everything. “How?” asks Jacques. “How indeed?” replies the wise man. And everyone lives happily ever after.