Is the EU affecting your love life? Agony aunt Eunice is here to help

Date: 15/02/1996

This week sees the start of an occasional agony column to cater for those of you out there who feel despair and depression, and just can't find the right answers to life's key problems.

Agony aunt Eunice is here to help. For weeks, she has been sifting through a flood of letters covering everything from EMU to the banana regime. Here are some of her replies. Unfortunately she is not able to answer each letter personally.

Dear Eunice,

I've been happily married now for 11 years. My husband is a very caring man and we have had a wonderful relationship, but there has been a change in his manner over the last few months. We used to discuss everything together, but now he seems unable to confront the slightest hurdle. We had a furious row some time ago about the narrow bands of the Exchange Rate Mechanism and now I feel left out because he won't talk to me about such issues.

The European Union has never been a difficult topic in our house, but nowadays every time I mention it he just shuts down. I have tried to understand, but now I am becoming short-tempered. There was an item on the news the other night on convergence criteria and he refused point-blank to talk about it.

I hate to accuse him of anything, but I'm beginning to wonder if he's found another institution. He is certainly less keen on full integration than when we first met.

How can I confront this problem head-on without risking ruining everything?

Yours, Bewildered.

Dear Bewildered,

You don't say exactly how long this has been going on, but your reference to the ERM suggests it is not a recent worry. Perhaps your husband is just going through a difficult time at work, particularly if he is in passport control or runs a small or medium-sized enterprise of some sort. You don't make that clear. Or perhaps he feels you have been pressuring him too much about pillars two and three at home.

It's so easy to become overwrought about the EU, particularly in a time of turmoil. I feel there is no alternative but to confront your husband before it is too late. After all, if you have to find out that his head has been turned, the sooner the better!

But I suspect this is a passing fad and that you can resolve your problems together just as soon as the Intergovernmental Conference is under way.

Dear Eunice,

I am just 16 and find it very difficult to strike up a relationship with anyone. Every time I try to talk to a girl about the single market or enlargement, I can't stop myself blushing. It's so embarrassing that I've virtually given up all social contact.

I think my trouble stems from the fact my family is not very close and my parents were never able to talk to me about the EU. I had to rely on friends at school to tell me the basics. Now they are all happily discussing Stage Three and I can't even think about Stage One without stuttering and becoming nervous. It's so difficult to broach the subject when it has always been taboo at home. Also my face is covered in spots.

Please help a lonely Euromantic.

Dear Euromantic,

You're not alone. Teenagers often think they are the only ones going through these difficulties, but let me tell you that your discomfort over the European question is a more common problem than you think!

All of us have to start somewhere and the best advice for you is one step at a time! Don't approach every relationship expecting it to be for life.

Don't try too hard. If talking about the European Union is a bit much initially, chat casually about the post-war dreams of the founding fathers. You'll probably be surprised to find that friends are keen to lead you towards Messina, the Rome Treaty and, who knows, even Maastricht! As to your other concern, I'm terribly sorry, but I don't do spots.

Dear Eunice,

I love my wife as much as I did when we married 20 years ago, but now something is coming between us. An old flame of hers has moved into our town recently and started spreading nasty stories about how she used to hate the European Union and everything it stood for. At first I ignored it, but now doubts have begun to creep in. I couldn't bear to think that we have been living a lie all this time. I don't think my wife is aware of this and I don't know how to face her. Please advise a distraught federalist.

Dear Distraught Federalist,

Don't face her, face her accuser! You must grab the nettle and confront the spiteful rumour monger. But remember - whatever the truth of the past, it cannot alter the present. You must be capable of forgiving your wife for her Eurosceptic past. After all, many were, and it wasn't a crime then, just a social stigma. And you must not blame her or yourself if she felt unable to tell you at the time - it is a sign of her true feelings for you that she thought she'd lose you if she owned up!

If you really can't raise it with her, drop hints that you've known one or two anti-Europeans in the past and they weren't all that bad! Laugh about De Gaulle's empty chair policy. Giggle about the first Danish referendum result over Maastricht. If she was anti-European, she may be waiting for a sign that she can tell you all about it and start afresh! Good luck!

Dear Eunice,

I have always been attracted to my wife's mother, ever since I learnt that she was an interpreter in the original, pre-directly-elected European Parliament. I know it is wrong, but I fear that soon I will not be able to control my feelings, which I believe may be reciprocated. I would hate to hurt my wife, however. What should I do?

Yours, Confused.

Dear Confused,

Why don't you grow up? The European Parliament before direct elections was a toothless white elephant. It wasn't even a Parliament, but an Assembly!

Do you really want to risk your marriage because of a misplaced infatuation with a democratic relic? The Parliament, I mean, not your mother-in-law. Snap out of it and control your emotions!

Dear Eunice,

My parents have told me I must stop seeing my boyfriend because he is too young to vote in the next Euro-elections. I have told them it doesn't matter to me, but they say it is a principle, no matter how much I love him. Now I want to leave home. Please tell me what to do for the best.

Yours, Despairing.

Dear Despairing,

Sorry, but your parents are right. Try to be patient. Youngsters today want to vote earlier than ever, but you have to think of your future, and that of your boyfriend. If he really loves you, he will wait. If not, there are plenty of older men willing to accompany you to the ballot box!

Dear Eunice,

My wife is Norwegian and we have not been on speaking terms since her country voted No to EU membership. My friends shun me. They say she is a bad influence on our children and we should split up. But I don't feel I should give in to outside pressure. Before the No decision, we were the happiest couple on earth.

Yours, Heartbroken.

Dear Heartbroken,

It is a grim choice between family and friends, and your wife. Only you can decide, but I feel from the tone of your letter that you know in your heart of hearts what you should do.