Guide to the EU’s flying circus

Date: 05/06/1997

THERE are so many different categories of ministerial gatherings across the world these days that it is easy for anyone, particularly government ministers, to get confused about where they are and why.

On any one day of the year, groups of elected representatives are jetting across the globe for crucial talks, emergency sessions and 11th-hour negotiations.

Voicebox is now able to offer this handy cut-out-and-keep guide for the large number of new ministers just entering the Euro-stage after the recent spate of elections in member states. Good luck to you all.

Meeting: (traditional - an assembly of a number of people for entertainment, discussion or the like) ignore these in Europe if you are a government minister. Other people go to meetings. You only go to the ...

Council of Ministers: (trad. - an assembly of ecclesiastics, with or without laymen, convened to regulate doctrine or discipline in the church) meetings of government ministers to discuss proposals for European legislation. These are either in Brussels or Luxembourg, depending on the weather. But that should not bother you - all airports are much the same these days and so are meeting rooms.

Besides, you don't have to know where you are - other people do that for you. During these meetings, never speak unless spoken to. Don't try to open the bottle of water in front of you without catching the eye of the man in the white gloves first. He is the only one with a bottle opener. The man sitting beside you is probably your government's ambassador to the European Union. Be very nice to him, he is the only one who knows your negotiating position and he will do his best to make it sound more complicated than it is. Let him do the talking whenever possible. Don't try and remember everyone's name: by the time you've succeeded, most of them will have changed anyway.

Oh, and if someone wheels in a trolley-load of sandwiches, suddenly remember an urgent engagement at home and ask for your car to be brought round to collect you and an aeroplane to be put on stand-by.

Apart from avoiding sitting up all night, it establishes you as a key political figure. You will have more fun at the ... Informal Council of Ministers: (trad.- an informal assembly of ecclesiastics, etc) the same meetings of government ministers, but somewhere else. You are likely to be in some inaccessible country corner of a foreign land and it has taken a plane, helicopter transfer and a two-hour car journey across rough terrain to get here.

But the setting is nice and your room at the château is paradise. Although this is an informal occasion, you will still be expected to wear a suit - the informality refers to the conversation around the table. You are expected to open up a bit more than usual and give away your government's political weak spots.

The idea is that because no decisions are taken at these informals you will lower your guard. Don't. There is no difference whatsoever between formals and informals - neither makes any decisions. See your ambassador for further clarification. Once you have got the hang of the informals, you are ready for the ... Emergency Council of Ministers: (trad. - an emergency assembly of ecclesiastics, etc) something has happened if you are called to one of these. There is obviously a need to be seen to be doing something.

In fact, you need only sit in a room for a few hours over dinner with other ministers and then announce the setting up of a high-level group to investigate the relevant issue. A time to show statesmanlike qualities. Adopt a grave air, but always look in control. Make sure someone else carries your briefcase in public. If you can handle this, you will have no problem with the ... Conclave: (trad. - a private room, closet, the place where cardinals meet for the election of a Pope) another meeting of the Council of Ministers which need not concern you unless you are a foreign secretary.

Conclaves always happen just before summits (see below) and you will be expected to state your government's position just as firmly as before, but in a more conciliatory tone. If you are at a conclave, you will be under pressure to make concessions. You must not do so.

Conclaves are designed to make the presidency-in-office look efficient and on the ball. Look suitably earnest when you meet the press. But not as earnest as you will look when you attend a ... Summit: (trad. - the topmost part, a point of a polyhedron where three or more faces meet, forming a solid angle) just like meetings of the Council of Ministers, but only for prime ministers, foreign secretaries and sometimes finance ministers and others if their brief is a hot topic needing expert input. (Don't worry, the ambassador is never far away.)

This is the occasion when you play your negotiating hand for all you are worth. Foreign secretaries and finance ministers just nod in all the right places and have lunches and dinners. Prime ministers are expected to deliver the political message, but don't worry, your ambassador will tell you what to say.

If you are a prime minister, have a comb handy (if you have any hair) for the family photograph. Make sure you are in the middle of the photograph, not on the outside, or people will think you are an outsider. Hard to tell the difference between this and a ... Mini-summit: (trad. - the mini topmost part, etc) actually the same size as a big summit, only shorter. Could also be called an informal summit. Always comes before a proper summit and after a conclave.

Prime ministers sit around and say the same things they intend to say at the proper summit, but make it sound as if they are preparing to climb down. This is the time to tell the presidency that it is doing a marvellous job. Ask your ambassador to point out who the president-in-office is. You will have a better time, by the way, at a ... Congress: (trad. - sexual union) these days more like social intercourse. A gathering of like-minded souls, usually an association or society. In your case, the annual jamboree of your national, European or international political body.

This is the best sort of event to attend because everyone will agree on a joint declaration stating how you are committed to world peace and the long-term security of the universe.

Get to these if at all possible. They are more jolly than other forms of political meeting because, for once, nobody else is going to stab you in the back. Or at least if they do, it will be someone of similar views.