God moos in mysterious ways

Date: 17/10/1996

ATTEMPTS to apportion blame for the mad cow crisis have been abandoned. Efforts to ensure that the same thing can never happen again have also been consigned to the scrap heap after startling evidence presented to the European Parliament's special committee of inquiry last week.

Bovine Spongiform Encephalopathy, announced a senior British Ministry of Agriculture official, is an Act of God.

Stunned silence. Furrowed brows. Much head-scratching.

The revelation demonstrated the value of these public hearings. Would this have ever emerged if Euro MPs had not set up their own investigation?

Agriculture Commissioner Franz Fischler's attempts to blame the crisis on the UK authorities are now exposed as a sham.

Those frantic gatherings of scientific and veterinary experts to thrash out the problem are equally laid bare as a waste of time and money.

It is now clear that the whole vexed question should have been referred immediately to the EU's Standing Clerical and Ecumenical Committee and not to a bunch of animal boffins who don't know the difference between a fat cat and the Book of Proverbs.

BSE is an Act of God. What could be more obvious? Elementary, my dear Watson. And, as Hercule Poirot would point out in his infuriatingly exact manner, when all other possibilities have been eliminated, what remains, however unlikely, is the truth. There will still be doubters of course, but let them explain why there have been no denials.

Because it is true, that's why. And if the so-called experts had delved into The Bible instead of the Handbook of Notifiable Diseases and A Plain Man's Guide to Jumping the Species Barrier, the conclusion so starkly and simply revealed to Euro MPs would have been reached far sooner ...

And it came to pass that the shepherds of Bethlehem did tend their flocks of sheep on the hillside. And suddenly one rose up, saying, “I think that sheep's got the shakes.” And verily all eyes did gaze upon one of the flock which did jitter and dance until it jittered and danced no more.

And the shepherds were sore afraid.

Until one said: “That's scrapie, that is. Nothing you can do about it. Just one of those things.”

And the rest did nod and mutter: “Just hope we don't catch it.”

And how they laughed.

And as far as the eye could see the hillside was green and serene and filled with the noise of bleating.

Now it did occur that in Galilee at this time there was much building work in response to the upsurge in the seaside tourist trade.

And one builder climbed out of his Mercedes and did say unto another: “Yea, verily, the planning laws in this part of the world are indeed lax, and there shall be much profit.”

And indeed the profits did flow in Galilee, even as the land was covered in high-rise hotels and shops which did sell the beachwear and buckets and spades.

And all the while the locals did rage against planning blight and the loss of the environment.

Lo! they cried, not only is this encouraging the wrong type of tourist trade, but verily we do lose our green pastures in which to graze our cattle.

But verily, no one did listen.

Thus it was that after much time there was no more pasture for cows to munch, and word did arrive of alternative feedstuffs.

And one day there came to Galilee a merchant who did talk of offal and other matters beyond mention, saying yea, let your cows eat the yukky bits of sheep, for verily they have no other function. And you have no alternative.

But the local herdsmen did speak as one, crying: “No! No! Our cows are ruminants. They must eat grass. Don't you know anything?”

But the merchant smiled, pointing to the building work and chided: “If thou findest grass, then by all means, lead your cattle to feed. I can wait.

And verily the herdsmen did search amongst the high-rises.

And truly, they found nothing.

So they did return to the merchant, saying: “All right, all right, we'll go for the offal.”

And verily the shepherds of Bethlehem did diversify and grow rich, as the herdsmen of Galilee did stray from nature's path.

And the Lord looked on and was not pleased.

And when many seasons had passed there came word of cows which did stagger and shake and look far from well.

And there was much alarm.

Until one day a man came amongst the herdsmen saying: “Don't worry. It's just scrapie from sheep. And it shall be called Bovine Spongiform Encephalopathy.” And the herdsmen and shepherds were blinded with science and said nothing.

Now much later there lived a wise man who did yodel and pontificate and others did come to him saying: “BSE has spread throughout the land. And yea we are sore afraid that we might catch it next. You're the European Commissioner for agriculture, what are you doing about our plight?”

And others came from afar and all did cry out: “Save us, save us, we beseech thee, save us.”

And the wise man did summon courtiers, saying: “Find out what BSE is and then arrange a press conference. For yea it is down to me to sort out this mess and I shall make my mark.”

And after much puzzlement and research, experts did return and cried: “There is much BSE throughout the land. And it doth spread from the beasts of the field, even unto the dining table wherever British beef is to be found.”

And the wise man nodded and pulled at his beard and did say: “Yea, now there is a scapegoat for the diseased sheep and cattle. And verily I will intervene. And there will be much praise and thanksgiving.”

And the Lord looked on in amazement, shaking his head. And verily he did snigger.

And thus it was that there was much activity abroad and many noble men did meet and talk and assess the situation.

And verily they did conclude that draconian measures were required and they did spread much panic and alarm, saying: “We are facing an epidemic. There must be a clamp-down. Heads must roll. For truly there has been nothing like it since the plague.”

And the wise man heard this and summoned writers of the scriptures, telling them: “In the interests of public health I must act now. There shall be a ban on British beef throughout the land. And anyone caught eating it shall be put to the sword. For verily I shall save the world and my name shall be forever noble.

Now soon afterwards there came a man from Switzerland who did address the wise man, saying: “We won't know whether there is a serious danger to mankind until we have tested BSE in monkeys.”

And the wise man looked and thought, and spake saying: “Let it be done.” And animal rights campaigners did come unto him saying: “Don't be a prat. It's all an Act of God. Didn't you hear that nice man from the British agriculture ministry giving evidence to the European Parliament committee?”

And the wise man laughed, saying: “Don't be daft.”

And the animal rights campaigners did stone him to death on the spot.

And the heavens did roar with thunder and the Lord spake, saying unto the wise man: “That'll teach you.”