Flying in the face of adversity

Date: 02/10/1997

Geoff Meade takes a light-hearted look at life in the European Union YOU'VE got to admire Emma Bonino's style - what other European Commissioner would have had the good sense to make sure that a camera crew and reporters were alongside while she was being arrested?

In minutes, an unsung visit to Afghanistan to assess humanitarian aid projects was turned into headline news. Now everyone knows about the excesses of the Taliban regime. These people are so ruthless that they will risk waving guns at the Commission's fiercest personality. They must be mad. Don't they know who they are dealing with?

Commission President Jacques Santer was moved to issue a statement praising Bonino's readiness to take personal risks in pursuit of her humanitarian tasks.

But bravery - both physical and political - is nothing new in this woman. Did she not volunteer to be airlifted on to a trawler in the Mediterranean during the last fisheries wars? Did she not come out in support of legalising cannabis? Has she not already been arrested for campaigning in favour of abortion in her native Italy, subsequently embarking on a hunger strike which led to a change in the law? And, most bravely of all, has she not defied the Commission's own rules barring smoking in offices to keep on puffing, driving her staff to distraction?

Nor could anyone forget her savage attack earlier this year on Barbie and Ken, whom she denounced as the toys of yesterday. Speaking in her role as the Commissioner responsible for consumer affairs, she demanded that toymakers produce new playthings to familiarise children with the forthcoming single currency.

In Afghanistan, Emma was wearing her humanitarian hat - but she would make waves in any kind of headgear.

Yes, everything Bonino does makes news. For that reason alone, she should become the next president of the Commission, which is still woefully unable to capture anything but negative headlines.

Voicebox offers a few Bonino-esque ideas which the Directorate-General for information (DGX) might like to put forward to give the Commission the kind of dynamic, thrusting image it still desperately needs and which will win the hearts and minds of the general public.

October - Budget Commissioner Erkki Liikanen ends all subsidies for Commission staff in canteens and bars. Instead, prices for food and drink are pitched at market level for D-grade staff, with 10&percent; incremental rises between C and A grades. National contributions to the EU budget are slashed at a stroke. Liikanen parades through the streets of Brussels in a hair-shirt announcing the changes, chanting: “No more fat cats!” He is mobbed by well-wishers.

November - Social Affairs Commissioner Pádraig Flynn chains himself to the railings outside the jobs summit in Luxembourg. He says he will stay there until EU ministers make a gesture to cut the dole queues. After three days of pleading to be arrested, he is carted off to jail and charged with riotous behaviour. The charges are dropped after demonstrations from civil rights campaigners whose lawyer successfully pleads that Mr Flynn has been detained on a trumped-up charge as nothing he does can be described as riotous. Thousands of citizens launch a campaign called 'Railing against Bureaucracy' in which they chain themselves to Commission buildings.

December - Transport Commissioner Neil Kinnock commandeers a fleet of Commission limousines and leads a drive to France, where be blocks the motorway and waves banners proclaiming: 'See how you like it, you French truckers!' He is hailed as the motorists' hero when he announces plans to make all freight travel by barge.

January - Economics Commissioner Yves-Thibault de Silguy goes high above the Breydel in a hot air balloon made of 500-euro notes to demonstrate how strong the new currency is going to be. He bails out when the craft descends too fast, blaming the accident on sudden deflationary measures.

February - Industry Commissioner Martin Bangemann goes on hunger strike over the failure yet again to get agreement on a standard Euro-plug. He abandons his protest after 20 minutes, claiming he is sure it has done the trick. Over lunch, he is warmly congratulated for his tough stand by his colleagues.

March - Environment Commissioner Ritt Bjerregaard releases a book of jokes about her Commission colleagues and vows to give all the proceeds to the Princess Diana fund, preventing Jacques Santer from blocking publication and guaranteeing its place in the best-seller lists in 15 countries.

April - Trade Commissioner Sir Leon Brittan launches a book of a dozen new World Trade Organisation banana recipes and records a techno version of The Banana Vote Song. It shoots to number one in the charts, prompting a swift follow-up entitled Yes, We Have No Bananas Regime.

May - Agriculture Commissioner Franz Fischler flies to the UK with the Brussels press corps and makes a surprise visit to an abattoir in the Midlands. He uses the occasion to announce that he will be staging a hamburger-eating marathon to show there are no hard feelings over mad cow disease. He invites members of the Scientific and Standing Veterinary Committees to take part and calls for sponsorship from the National Farmers' Union. He hands out bumper stickers proclaiming 'No moos is good moos'.

June - Competition Commissioner Karel van Miert announces that there will be a competition every month in which all EU citizens are entitled to take part. Games of chance and skill devised by the Directorate-General for competition will be held in towns and cities throughout the Union. Winners will be invited to Commission headquarters for lunch with the Commissioner of their choice.

July - Internal Market Commissioner Mario Monti shaves off his beard as a protest against member states which have yet to implement all single market legislation. Member states which have already complied repeal their single market laws on the grounds that Monti looks better clean-shaven. The European Hairdressers' Federation announces that facial hair will in future be known as 'The Full Monti'.

August - The European Commission is hailed as the most popular bureaucracy in the world. Jacques Santa and the Commissioners record a single for the Christmas market which outsells the latest Spice Girls chart-topper.