Finns only do it naked, never in cold blood

By Rein F Deer

Date: 22/06/06

In one week's time Finland will grab the torch of fraternity and lead our continent to the end of 2006.

Garlic Belt fear they will have to submit to the famous Finnish sauna diplomacy, where total strangers are forced to do a full monty in front of each other.

Don't worry. The original Finnish sauna is not unisex like those naughty places in London Soho and Paris Pigalle.

Politically, sauna is an effective trap indeed. It is extremely difficult to break a promise made totally naked at a temperature where water starts to boil.

Contrary to the Swedes, who thought that the EU would join Sweden, the Finns are fully enjoying the benefits of membership. They even tend to overdo it.

The Union can rely on the industrious Finns to do things by the book. They are proudly implementing every directive and obeying them to the last detail, no matter how ridiculous they are, and they hate the free-loaders.

Finland's geopolitical location has influenced the Finns' way of thinking and behaviour. Western punctuality is combined with a certain eastern disorder. Every dinner begins bang on time in total silence, but has usually a very noisy open ending. They speak bluntly - and unfortunately mean every word they say. Luckily their vocabulary is limited and the pace of speech is that of a lullaby.

The Finns will preach the good gospel of something called The Northern Dimension which means that the EU has to repair all the social and environmental mishaps of the late Soviet Union while today's Russia can use her oil and gas incomes for rearmament and other useful purposes.

The Finns have 1,300 kilometres of common border with Russia. They have promised to scrap their landmines in accordance with an international treaty, but not before they can replace them with something much more lethal.

They will tell the rest of Europe to build more nuclear energy that is both emission-free and Putin-free. But in foreign policy they will follow their special tradition.

There is no risk of new political openings when the Finns are in the lead. They will not risk their trade relations with Moscow. So no orange scarves for Ukraine or demonstrations against Belarus. The nearest soft-spot for Finland's foreign policy is East Timor.

Comment feature on the upcoming Finnish Presidency of the EU, starting on 1 July 2006.