Euro-joys ahead in 1997

Date: 09/01/1997

So what does 1997 have in store for the European Union? Another collection of Euro-dramas, crises and failures, without any doubt. It doesn't take an expert to predict that.

But you are busy people, you need something a little more detailed to help you prepare, to enable you to anticipate the year's business and its social highs and lows.

Thanks to the most impeccable sources, Voicebox can now offer the most comprehensive guide to what is likely to transpire as we stumble through the next 12 months a sort of horror-scope of future EU events which you can cut out and keep beside your regular calendar

January: MEPs kick the year into life by publishing the findings of their public inquiry into mad cow disease. It blames the Commission and the UK government for hogging the headlines and for wilfully failing to take into account the needs of the European Parliament to be kept fully in the spotlight.

“There is disturbing evidence at both government and Commission level that officials and politicians do not want MEPs sticking their noses in,” state the conclusions. The report's publication prompts a press conference by Agriculture Commissioner Franz Fischler at which he promises to take full account of the need to keep Euro MPs electronically monitored and tagged to prevent the spread of democracy interfering with the smooth running of the EU.

February: The Dutch presidency calls an emergency Union summit to be held in April to breathe new life into the Intergovernmental Conference on Europe's future.

Commission President Jacques Santer says he wants to see “a great leap forward”. He later clarifies his remark by explaining that this is the same great leap forward that he has always asked for and not a new federalist push. But it is too late. British Conservative Eurosceptics prepare to fall on their swords at the general election.

March: The UK is swept to the polls on a tidal wave of Euroscepticism. Opposition leader Tony Blair vows to be at the heart of Europe if elected. Then he vows to be just as tough with the UK's partners when national interests are threatened. Prime Minister John Major claims he thought of both ideas first.

Blair wins the election by a short head with a receding hairline. Exclamations of joy and delight are heard across Europe. German Foreign Minister Klaus Kinkel welcomes a new era of EU cooperation.

April: Tony Blair's first EU summit as a prime minister is overshadowed by a domestic backbench rebellion from a significant number of Labour Eurosceptics. They warn they will vote against the government unless Blair stands up to the rest of Europe.

EU leaders ditch a planned statement announcing a great leap forward and wonder why they ever thought things would change. They leave the emergency summit with no written conclusions, but agreeing that they have given the Intergovernmental Conference “fresh impetus”. Klaus Kinkel confesses he has heard all this somewhere before.

May: A new food health scare erupts when a bag of genetically-modified maize escapes from a warehouse in Stuttgart. After a dramatic chase, it is cornered and shot dead by police marksmen. The United States denies responsibility and warns the Union against any transatlantic trade blockade.

June: EU leaders at the proper Amsterdam summit agree a landmark new treaty on Europe's future. They vow to do more to crack down on unemployment. The social chapter is brought into the treaty, but, at Tony Blair's request, the British opt-out becomes treaty language too. He tells the rest that it is the only way he can avoid a backbench revolt. Sorry and all that.

The new treaty sets the date for removing all internal borders at the beginning of 2002. But at Blair's request a protocol is added allowing member states to introduce the legislation earlier, later or not at all.

The date for the launch of the single currency is the start of 1999, or possibly later, depending on, says the document, “a number of factors”. The wording is included at British insistence.

Jacques Santer describes the document as “realistic rather than radical” and announces the immediate launch of a new Intergovernmental Conference on Europe's post-future future. He calls for a “great leap forward”, emphasising that this is still the same one he wanted before but hasn't seen yet.

July: Designs for the single currency coins are unveiled. They are twin-metal silver and gold affairs, and carry the profile of Jean Monnet. After customer clinics are held, it is decided that each coin shall be issued with an explanatory booklet detailing who Monnet was and what he did. Special Euro-coin purses are designed to carry the booklets. The UK's request for the beef ban to be lifted is politely refused.

August: A new transatlantic trade war breaks out when the EU finally agrees to ban all imports of genetically- modified maize after three bags of American-origin grain are spotted getting on to a bus in Copenhagen.

September: The Euro-coins run into trouble: the EU's five national mints say they haven't got the printing capacity to produce sufficient explanatory booklets in time to meet the launch date of 2002. Monnet's profile is dropped and member states agree to adopt a better-known figure from a list which will be announced on a Europe-wide television show in December. The final decision will be made by a telephone vote of Europe's citizens.

October: Social Affairs Commissioner Pádraig Flynn announces proposals to ban smoking in private throughout Europe from 1 January 2001. All homes will be fitted with compulsory smoke detectors which will trigger alarms at specially-designated monitoring centres. Smokers caught smoking will receive counselling outside working hours until they get better. Governments will receive Union grants for retraining schemes to help smokers diversify into other non smoking-related activities.

November: EU veterinary experts discover a link between mad cow disease and smoking. Commissioner Flynn calls a press conference at which to look smug and Commissioner Fischler reluctantly agrees to end tobacco subsidies to all farmers unless their tobacco plants are grass-fed. The UK's request for the beef ban to be lifted is emphatically rejected.

December: The start of enlargement talks is postponed when all applicant countries send notes to Brussels asking to be excused because they are not feeling well.

The EU-wide screening of the “Pick-A-Profile Euro Telethon” attracts the biggest viewing audience in the history of television. This is because it is shown live on all television stations in all member states and telephone voting is compulsory.

The profile of Jacques Santer is overwhelmingly selected by nearly 400 million viewers who phone in to choose a name from the short list. A very short list indeed.

The UK's request for the beef ban to be lifted is rejected. Tony Blair insists that the UK nevertheless remains at the heart of Europe.