Cloning about in Parliament

Date: 06/03/1997

A TEAM of scientists is on the point of unveiling the results of a dramatic new experiment with serious implications for the whole world - the successful cloning of national democracies throughout the European Union.

The experts, working for years in total secrecy, have managed to create a fully working European Parliament by taking citizens from the 15 EU member states and injecting them into a single democratically elected institution.

An earlier experiment, in which MPs from the 15 national parliaments were transplanted into a European talking shop, was judged a medical success but a dismal political failure.

“We didn't have the political technology then. Now we have established the conditions in which a cloned Parliament can flourish. We are over the moon,” said one professor of political autonomy who has been closely involved in the cloning project.

“We have known that this was theoretically possible for a long time. But it is only recently that we have been able to harness the latest advances in medical and political knowledge to produce a European Parliament capable of sustaining life independent from other naturally-occurring parliaments.”

The new life form has been named Percy the cloned Parliament. Percy is now in the spotlight and under the microscope, the subject of intense scrutiny as the full implications of the breakthrough become apparent.

Commission President Jacques Santer has ordered an immediate investigation by officials to see if this advance in genetic interfering requires any new legislation at EU level.

The paradox is that any such new legislation would have to be approved by this new, cloned European Parliament, which has taken on all the characteristics of national parliaments in the 15 member states.

“It is something we have been dreaming of for years,” said one parliament genetics adviser, emerging from the laboratory for the first time since work started in the midst of the original direct elections in 1979.

“What we have created is a Parliament capable of debating, voting and making quite a nuisance of itself.”

The original attempt to transplant MPs from donor parliaments and inject them into a single Parliament attracted comparatively little media attention.

“The results were a bit disappointing, to say the least. Our first efforts were not taken seriously. So in more recent experiments we injected more power, little by little, and we feel we have now established a European Parliament which can function in the real world,” commented another member of the Operation Percy team.

The key question being asked now is, what is Percy for?

“We have simply proved that it can be done, not that it is in any way necessary. Now we have achieved the medical breakthrough, it is up to others to demonstrate the need.

We scientists can only show what is medically and politically possible. It is up to others to decide whether they want this or not.”

A statement from Santer revealed that the Commission has demanded a report from the Democracy Advisory Group into the “fundamental ethical questions” posed by Percy's existence.

“The Commission will be examining the whole question in the light of the results of these initiatives to see if it has any specific competence in this area.”

Some are not waiting for the results: a first reaction came from French Foreign Minister Hervé de Charette, who said Percy the cloned European Parliament was “not worthy of the name”. His attack was prompted by an outburst from the cloned Parliament's president, who demanded that France withdraw a new legislative bill designed to tackle the problem of immigration.

“This was an unforeseen development,” admitted one of Percy's scientists. “One of the unfortunate side effects of genetic interfering is that you do tend to get interference. But I wish to reassure the public that we are not creating some kind of Frankenstein monster here. We are creating a useful democratic instrument, mirroring those in the EU member states and capable of taking over democratic power if requested to do so. It is an energy-efficient, environmentally friendly Parliament which can do the work of 15 parliaments if necessary.”

Monsieur de Charette has now asked for a special meeting of the EU's foreign ministers “to reflect on the European Parliament exceeding its responsibilities”.

But there are already fears that the experiment is out of control.

The cloned Parliament has produced its own democracy manipulation committee whose chairman has issued a statement declaring: “This kind of cloning, in which Percy speaks out on all manner of domestic political issues pertaining in the member states, breaks new ground and is a fact which may deeply disturb and frighten many people. To answer these fears, we need to ensure that the benefits of political manipulation technology are not lost in a tidal wave of abuse.”

But while the debate goes on, the scientists are not resting on their laurels. They are already working to eliminate a genetic fault which has given Percy two seats instead of one.

“We have successfully reduced Percy from three seats to two in earlier experiments, but we cannot stop there. The role of the cloned Parliament can never be complete unless we can reduce this still further to one. Any parliament with two seats simply looks ridiculous and, of course, it can never exist comfortably while it cannot sit down properly. But it can, of course, stand up and be counted while having two seats and that is something to be proud of.”

National parliamentarians insist that while Percy is an interesting scientific exercise, it can never take over their role.

“It doesn't have the pedigree. It is an artificial life form, however realistic it looks,” said one.

But the fact that a fresh debate is raging over Percy's very existence confirms that politicians everywhere now believe there is something to fear.

Officials are now demanding a news blackout on Percy's progress, but Voicebox has been told by genetically modified sources that the creature is about to undergo Legislation Initiation Treatment (LTT) and Co-decision Replacement Therapy (CRT) in an effort to try to improve its stature.