Polish dreams of mashed potatoes

The Polish have a ghastly history as Europe’s battlefield. Over the centuries the population has had a choice of viewing: oppression and exploitation from the east or the west. When the Germans and Russians can agree, it is from both east and west. Have the Poles learned anything from all this?

Looking over the Baltic it is hard to escape the impression that when they are finally handed freedom they do not have a clue what to do with it.

Poland’s new democracy has become a playground for freaky, entertaining politicians like Jaros?av and Lech Kaczyn´ski, the Potato Brothers, who first rose to fame in 1962 as child actors in the film ‘The Two Who Stole the Moon’. Now they are back. One is prime minister, while his identical twin brother poses as president. Or is it vice versa? For contestants in political trivia quizzes here is a tip: look out for the mole on President Lech’s left cheek,and the cat-hairs on Prime Minister Jaros?av’s suit.

Imposing communism on Poland, Josef Stalin said, was like putting a saddle on a cow. Prising it off again is proving awkward, too. Today, Poland has more than twice as many government employees as the late, unlamented Communist regime and the urge to get away is stronger than ever. So far two million Poles have fled west.

What to do? Instead of rooting out corrupt bureaucrats, the Potato Brothers’ tactic for winning hearts and minds is a witchhunt for former Communists in the bureaucracy, who are then replaced with the pair’s ultra-Catholic cronies.

Even the church has not been immune. Archbishop Stanislaw Wielgus was forced to resign because, along with a dozen other Polish bishops, he had "co-operated" with the Communists. This may be true, but given that Karol Wojty?a, later Pope John Paul II, defeated Communism single-handedly - or so we are told - you sense things may have been more complicated than that.

Like most aspects of reality, Europe too is a problem for the twins and their friends. They do not agree about getting rid of the death penalty. And homosexuals are being given a hard time, though not (yet anyway) if they are men of the cloth. Sometimes it is enough not to be 100% behind government policy.

The Polish edition of Newsweek recently called the prime minister "almost like [Vladimir] Putin". He was of course massively offended and made a great song and dance about it. But Volodja (as Putin’s missus calls him), for all his faults, might have better grounds for a libel-suit for being compared to a couple of incompetent hick nationalists.

Two Poles out of five are complaining of insomnia and the Polish parliament, the Sejm, is considering a new bill that would introduce an obligatory nap during working hours. It is a nice idea, but some are wary. Have the brothers discovered a way of spooking Polish slumbers? Are they planning to punish anyone who dreams of a twin-free future?

The Polish have a ghastly history as Europe’s battlefield. Over the centuries the population has had a choice of viewing: oppression and exploitation from the east or the west. When the Germans and Russians can agree, it is from both east and west. Have the Poles learned anything from all this?