DG searches phare and near for perfect acronym

Date: 02/11/1995

By Geoff Meade

A NEW Commission initiative has just landed on my desk, announcing the launch of EUROPRACTICE, which apparently means Promoting Access To Components subsystems and microsystems Technologies for Industrial Competitiveness in Europe.

As acronyms go, this is a stinker. We in Europe are used to better. ECLAIR, SPRINT, RACE, FAST, BRIDGE and my all-time favourite, LUFPIG, are now in common use. Well, maybe not.

My tip for the top, given recent events, has to be RITTS (Regional Innovation and Technology Transfer Strategies of infrastructure). But EUROPRACTICE is definitely below par. Just what is going on in the acronym unit of DGX?

We sent an investigative reporter, disguised as a new staff member, to find out. Naturally, she was wired for sound. What follows is the unabridged transcript of the tape she brought back.

Acronym Unit Director In Office (AUDIO) - Good morning, you must be the new secretary they sent me from personnel.

Secretary - Yes, I'm Mandy.

AUDIO - Mandy? Hmm, Mainly Academic, Not Definitely Yuppy.

Secretary - Pardon me?

AUDIO - I'm sorry. Force of habit I'm afraid. All part of the Jolly Old Boredom.

Secretary - Jolly old boredom?

AUDIO - Job. Jay Oh Bee. It's all part of the job. But then it gets easier, the higher up you go. Do you know why they call the chap at the top the DG?

Secretary - Well, yes. Because that's the boss, isn't it? Director-General.

AUDIO - Yes, but that's irrelevant. DG stands for Done Grafting.

Secretary - Oh yes. I see. Ha ha.

AUDIO - Don't worry. You'll soon pick it up.

Secretary - Oh yes. I'm sure it's all going to be most interesting.

AUDIO - Interesting is not the word, oh dear me no. No indeed, you can't get much of an acronym out of interesting. Have you any experience of this line of country?

Secretary - No, but personnel said it would suit my temperament.

AUDIO - Yes, this is the place to come if you want to make a name for yourself. And for everything else, for that matter. It requires quick thinking, imagination, all the skills of the marketing world really. Remember, it's not just giving a project a workable name, it's got to fire the public, it's got to be easily associated with the task in hand.

Secretary - And you're responsible for them all?

AUDIO - Oh yes, EUREKA, TEMPUS, FUGIT, TACIS, PHARE, NEAR, you name it.

Secretary - No, you do.

AUDIO - Yes we do, don't we? How about PRINCE, that's one of our new ones. I'm very pleased with that: PRogramme for the Information of the Citizens of Europe. Of course it should have been PRINTS, but DGX didn't see how it could justify setting up a Programme for Instructing Nitwits to Take Snapshots.

Secretary - I think it's such a challenge, finding acronyms to fit the initiative behind it.

AUDIO - Fundamental error there, Mandy. You see, our job is to make the initiative fit the acronym. Do you really think there would be a fiction-writing grant scheme if we in this department hadn't come up with SCRIPT first? Our job, in fact, is to put the Campaign to Arrange Relevant Terminology, before the Highly Over-rated Rationale for Swift Engagement.

Secretary - I'm sorry?

AUDIO - To put it more simply, our job is to put the CART before the HORSE. We think up a stunner, then tell the relevant department to find a scheme to go with it. We've produced some real corkers: DRIVE, START, STRIDE, SPRINT, SAVE, STAR, IMPACT, BRAIN. We've got such a brilliant reputation in this field, the department is known as TUPPERWARE.

Secretary - Because all your ideas are fresh?

AUDIO - Ah ha, Mandy, very witty, very good, but no. TUPPERWARE means Thinking Up Perfectly Pertinent and Really Wonderful Acronyms for Recognition Easily. So, let's see, where have you been working until now?

Secretary - Well, I was working on the restoration of traditional Community cultures.

AUDIO - Oh, DEAR.

Secretary - What's the matter?

AUDIO - Nothing Mandy, nothing at all. Unless I am much mistaken DEAR was the project acronym for your division. Development and Enrichment of Ancient Rituals.

Secretary - Oh yes. Yes, I see.

AUDIO - Yes, everything has an acronym in this place. BRITE, RACE, FLAIR, EPOCH, JOULE.

Secretary - Jewel? As in diamond?

AUDIO - No Mandy, JOULE. Jay, Oh, You, Ell, Eeee, JOULE.

Secretary - And what does that mean?

AUDIO - Research and Technological Development Programme in the Field of Energy, Non-nuclear Energies and National Use of Energy.

Secretary - How does that make JOULE?

AUDIO - One of our failures, I'm afraid. RTDPFENENUE doesn't trip off the tongue too well, so we had to use the French acronym instead of the English. Can't win them all, Mandy, or can I call you NAMAS?

Secretary - Newly Appointed Member of the Acronym Staff?

AUDIO - Well done! You're catching on fast. What about COFFEE?

Secretary - Yes please.

AUDIO - No no. Not coffee. COFFEE. Committee for the Operation of Future Financing and Electrical Engineering.

Secretary - Is there really such a department in the Commission?

AUDIO - Not yet, but when the twelfth floor hears about this one, they're sure to set up a QUANGO.

Secretary - Quasi-autonomous...

AUDIO - No, no. QUANGO means Quick, Another Needless Gathering of Officials.

Secretary - Isn't that just crass?

AUDIO - Um no, Let me see. CRASS is Coordination of Research About Silly Subjects. Tea?

Secretary - Go on then. I can't guess. What does TEA stand for?

AUDIO - No, you don't understand. Tea. Would you like some?

Secretary - Oh, what a silly billy I am. Um, no thanks, but I'd like a cold drink. Do you have Sprite?

AUDIO - Oh yes, very funny. I like that. We've got SPRITE, we've got IMPS, we've got all sorts of things. I can see that having you in the department is going to be DUL.

Secretary - Oh dear. Why dull?

AUDIO - Not dull, Mandy. Far from it. DUL.

Secretary - Oh, alright now, let me think. Delightful...

AUDIO - Uplifting...

Secretary - Lovely?

AUDIO - Precisely!

Secretary - Okay. Give me a minute. PRECISELY, now, just a second, let me think, erm...

AUDIO - ERM, that means Exchange Rate Mechanism.

At this point the tape ran out...