Airing the alternative view

Date: 06/02/1997

We live in a world of activists and lobbyists, of campaigners, complainers and abstainers, a Europe in which no one is prepared to let their elected representatives get on with the jobs they were given.

We are all becoming political back-seat drivers, banner-wavers and barrackers, hecklers and hissers.

We have a view, and for every view there is a ginger group. And for every ginger group, there is an equal and opposite ginger group.

But what do we know of these people? Apart from the big boys, the headline-grabbers such as Greenpeace, just how much do we know of what is going on over cups of tea in militant living-rooms across the 15 nations of Europe?

For the first time, Voicebox probes the world of the activists. What follows is just the tip of the iceberg. These revelations are so new - and exclusive - that only one of the organisations mentioned below actually exists at the moment, as far as anyone knows.

But the others could. Perhaps they should. One day, who knows, they probably will.

Only one thing is certain: the ordinary man or woman in the street is an amazing creation. If we didn't exist, we would have to create us.

Groups with a grievance campaigning for action include IFKAR (International Fund for Keeping Animals out of Restaurants). This is a relatively new group, but is already achieving a high profile through militant campaigns which have included all-evening vigils outside restaurants frequented by people with small Pekinese dogs or cats on leads.

The group is dedicated and determined, not averse to snatching dogs from restaurant tables even before the first course has been served. The provisional wing of IFKAR is uncompromising: no dogs on leads, on seats, on tables, even those prepared to sleep quietly in a corner.

The campaign has certainly raised awareness of this growing problem and many restaurants no longer advertise “animals welcome” alongside the table d'hôte menu.

One unforeseen side-effect of the IFKAR campaign has been the spawning of a new group calling itself TATRALAH (Tendency Against the Transport of Live Animals in Handbags) - a very new gathering of outraged individuals angered and shocked by the growing tendency, particularly amongst women, to smuggle dogs and cats into restaurants in their handbags or in shopping bags. This habit is, of course, a response to the IFKAR campaign (see above).

But TATRALAH says what is happening to household pets in handbags makes the transport of calves in veal crates seem like luxury. Just imagine what else those handbags contain, say supporters. Somewhere, at this very minute, there is a terrified 'toy dog' wedged in the dark lining of a designer handbag between a smelly bottle of roll-on deodorant, a sharp and uncomfortable bunch of car keys, and a used hankie.

Such militancy is not, however, confined to the animal world. There are still far too many functions in the European Union at which only coffee is available, claims TEABAG (Tea and Biscuits Awareness Group). The problem is particularly acute at press conferences and dainty little gatherings of like-minded people where warm drinks are served. All too often, a minority are left hunting amongst those giant aluminium Thermos flasks on linen-covered trestle tables, looking for the one which has the word TEA scrawled on it in marker pen.

TEABAG is fighting the tendency of hosts always to ask guests if they want coffee, without reference to tea, and the trend for courting couples to go to each other's houses late at night on the pretext of having a cup of coffee. What about the pretext of having a cup of tea? TEABAG has been set up to fight for equality, for the day when people will not be able just to say coffee and get away with it. It also wants to know why we have to put the teabag in the hot water ourselves. Coffee drinkers have the granules put in the cup before the drink reaches the consumer.

FAIRFUR (Federation for the Airing of Fur Coats in Public) is a ginger group set up to increase public awareness of the fact that there are people who want to wear real fur coats, because they are warm in winter and also because of the statement a fur coat makes about one's bank account surplus. FAIRFUR points out that two-thirds of all fake-fur wearers would secretly like to be wearing the real thing, but feel unable to do so because of society's threatening attitude towards them on the spurious grounds of saving animals' lives.

The group is often seen on the corners of famous shopping streets throughout Europe with banners proclaiming: “NO FURS NOT FAIR. FAIRFUR FOR ALL!” They hand out lapel badges for supporters which say: “Yes. This coat is real fur, but you can't afford one. Ha ha ha!” Support for FAIRFUR has almost doubled during the particularly cold winter spell.

SMOKEPEACE, on the other hand, is a moderate group dedicated to ending hostility towards people who smoke openly. After all, say supporters, one-third of adults in Europe smoke and the establishment of vast areas of Europe designated for non-smokers is an infringement of civil liberties. Anyone who contributes as much tax to national exchequers as puffers do deserves total respect. Unless non-smokers stop whining about their rights to fresh air and learn a bit about tolerance and co-existence, Europe will become a divided and unhappy society.

Besides, all major political and economic decisions affecting the way we live are traditionally made in smoke-filled rooms. As part of its commitment to tolerance and moderation, SMOKEPEACE does not insist that all its supporters are smokers ... but it helps.

Then there is NCS (Noise Createment Society). As the names suggests, this organisation campaigns across the EU against silence wherever it is found. Its more militant factions tend to go on to Europe's beaches in summer, disguised as ordinary holiday-makers, and lie down on the sand with radios and tape players at full volume. They also target quiet restaurants and seem able to marshal large parties of diners who can be at a restaurant table only minutes after other diners have remarked on how nice and peaceful it is.

This well-organised group has branches in most major cities, with members who are prepared to ride around on un-muffled low-power motor bikes all day at full speed in first gear. The more well-heeled cruise towns in cars seeking out traffic jams they can sit in with synthesised music blaring out of open windows. These cars are often small white Japanese hatchbacks with a miniature pair of dice dangling from the interior mirror - the adopted symbol of all NCS members.