Coming to a cinema near EU

Date: 31/07/1997

Hooray for Hollywood! Yes, the European Commission is breaking new ground in its relentless promotional drive and branching out into the cinema.

Prepare to gasp as President Jacques Santer peers down from the big screen and tells you about all the positive benefits of the Luxembourg presidency.

Try to stay awake as Jacques heightens the tension in the build-up to the big feature by telling the world in full-colour quadraphonic surround-sound about the merits of a positive approach to European integration.

Other promotional schemes, like the Fish Bus now puttering around Europe selling the merits of sardines, the Euro-boat floating down the Rhine with a single currency feel-good message, and the soon-to-be launched Milk Trolley advertising the udder delights of what used to be called the daily pinta but is now the daily lita, are as nothing compared to the EU marketing potential of the silver screen.

With more and more people turning to the cinema, what better place could there be to improve the EU's image?

But so far Jacques has only stuck one small toe in the water. He has been preparing a presidential message for viewing in Luxembourg cinemas only, in Luxembourgish, telling the viewer - and I use the singular advisedly - what a fine presidency it is going to be.

But why stop there? Why simply be the warm-up act with a lower rating than the wide-screen ads for the latest sparkling water? Why indeed. For Voicebox has learned that if the Luxembourg screening breaks the box office, plans are in hand for a series of blockbuster movies calculated to put the European Union into every multi-screen complex on the continent.

Stand by for: Phare Wars: A gripping fantasy in which Daft Aider sets out to rule the world by pumping money into alien planets until they are politically and economically ready to be swallowed whole. But the plan to create the biggest trading bloc in the universe is threatened by a group of dastardly do-gooders who insist it will never work. An all-action movie which will keep you on the edge of your seat.

A Fischler Called Wonder: Hilarious tale of a Farm Commissioner in Brussels who gets into all sorts of muddles when he tries to reform the Common Agricultural Policy. Before you know it, our hero - portrayed here by Franz Fischler - is up to his neck in wine lakes and grain mountains and finds himself penniless and unloved. But help is at hand or is it?

The Codfather: Chilling tale of a matriarchal underworld overlord dubbed the Codfather because she runs the European fishing community with a rod of iron. Starring Emma Bonino as the Codfather, a go-anywhere, do-anything troubleshooter who terrorises Europe by slipping sardines into everyone's diet. In this first of a series of feature-length adventures, the Codfather decides to expand her fishy empire into meat and makes the consumer an offal it cannot refuse.

The Could, the Can't and the Maybe: A pacey thriller pitting nation against nation in the race to join the European Union. Hans van den Broek plays the man with the long name, a steely gaze and a cheroot between his lips who decides accession terms for enlargement candidates with cold-blooded authority.

For a Fistful of Delors: A mutinous group within the Commission plans a comeback for a deposed president it believes is the only one who can save the EU from doom. But word of the plot gets out and faithful followers of Jacques Santer mount a counter campaign. A thoughtful, gripping tale pitting Euro-federalist against Euro-federalist in a carefully structured story which can best be summed up as “one goal, two strategies”. Jim 'give-us-some' Cloos stars as the sleuth Santer turns to when Delors threatens to return.

The Odd Couple: An ingenious plot puts tall, lolloping Fischler alongside small, feisty Bonino as opposites thrown together by fate and forced to share a tiny one-bedroomed flat. He is plodding, methodical and tidy, while she is full-speed, hyperactive and chaotic. No need to guess who wears the trousers in this set-up, and who said opposites attract? Laughs and pathos in this well-observed slant on life.

Four Summits and an IGC: Jolly japes when a group of friends are invited to the same summits. The evolving interaction between them is fascinating to watch. Get your hankies ready though when they confront harsh reality at the Intergovernmental Conference and leave a little more worldly-wise. A host of little-known names turn in great performances, particularly Helmut Kohl as the fat, chuckly one, Tony Blair as the gauche, grinning buffoon and Jacques Poos as the quiet one they all turn to in the end.

Greece: Sympathetic cinematic remake of this classical musical focusing on a shy and frumpy member of a gang of young chums. As they grow up, she blossoms and captures the heart of the hunky gang leader. Good fun and almost plausible.

High Noon: Slow-burning melodrama set at the Commission's midday briefing. Chief Spokesman Klaus van der Pas in the role made famous by Gary Cooper sets out to tame a terrorised press-room single-handed. With grit and determination, he plugs away at his message until he gets it in at least one newspaper. Faithful to the original western version, the action is played out in real time, so this film lasts for three days.

Agenda 2001 (Space Oddity): Competent rehash of the original sci-fi movie, with Commander Santer leading the good ship Breydel into uncharted territory. The special effects make up for what the plot lacks in originality.

All You Ever Wanted to Know About the Six But Were Afraid to Ask: Just who were those funny member states who joined forces all that time ago to create the foundations of the modern European Union? The Benelux countries, France, Germany and Italy all play themselves in this gentle spoof of life in post-war Europe without security of food supply. Full of nostalgia, this soft-focus trip down memory lane almost makes you believe that life really was that relaxed and innocent. This black and white, low-budget production has gone straight into video.