Computer makes name for itself

Date: 27/03/1997

Never mind Dolly the cloned sheep. The European Parliament's new computer has succeeded in cloning MEPs without so much as a cell or scalpel in sight.

The latest Strasbourg attendance register reveals that genetic engineering is already well advanced within the hemi-cycle. Various members have been merged with others, often with horrifying political and personal consequences.

What are we to make, for instance, of the computer's decision to fuse UK Conservative Bryan Cassidy with French Radical Bernard Castagnède, to produce a hybrid identified in the register as Mr Cassidyede? Then we have mild-mannered leader of the UK Labour Group Wayne David, who has been spliced to Belgian Liberal Willy de Clercq to produce a certain Mr Daviderq.

Meanwhile, the arch-Eurosceptic Sir James Goldsmith has been combined with German Christian Democrat Alfred Gomolka to produce a creature known only as Goldsska.

It also appears that some entirely new members have been created, such as the hitherto unknown Italian MEPs Falconero and Scarbonchi.

And in the chair as president, according to the register, was Mr Gil-Roblee.

The cause of these computerised experiments? The Parliament has just changed over to 'Word for Windows', but whoever compiled the members' register has not.