Europe plays happy families

Date: 16/01/1997

What we need, said Dutch Prime Minister and Colonel-in-Chief of the Council of Ministers Wim Kok, is a safe and happy European home.

Those were his exact words at the launch in The Hague of the Kokian presidency, as Commission President Jacques Santer sat beside him, nodding approvingly.

“Europe must continue to build a common European home in which we will all be able to live in the future,” said Kok. “A safe and happy European home,” he emphasised.

Soon this common European home will grow a couple of capital letters and become the Common European Home. Then it will become the CEH.

Before you know it there will be architect's draft drawings. Then the ceremonial laying of the first foundation stone. Then the endless squabbles with the builders over shoddy workmanship. Then the final price of the place will go way over the original estimate.

Finally, we will all move in, with labourers still installing the plumbing and electricity. For months nothing will work. We will have to send out for Chinese take-aways.

The neighbours who originally opposed the planning application will now object to the noise. They will insist on high fences and an end to all music by 2200 hours.

The CEH is not a new concept of course. It's just that Europe has outgrown all the homes it has moved into before. The current dwelling is a mess, with half a dozen ugly extensions and everybody crammed into rooms that are too small. Tempers are becoming frayed.

What President-in-Office Kok is dreaming of is some vast mansion with about 30 bedrooms and a dozen dining- rooms, something big enough for residents to lead their own lives in if they wish, unfettered by awkward mealtimes and unconvivial fellow occupants who want to put the lights out and go to sleep just when others are ready for a late-night party.

Dream on, Mr President-in-Office. Voicebox can reveal that in the present housing conditions, the EU can barely afford another extension, let alone its own purpose-built CEH.

No, for the time being, the fractious residents will have to make do as best they can with what they've got, and if that means differing mealtimes and sleeping four to a room then so be it.

There will continue to be squabbles over the household chores and over who is supposed to be in charge. Parking will remain on a first-come first-served basis.

There will continue to be horrendous rows over using the television and the stereo. And those who stay out late may find that the front door is locked and there is only one key.

It doesn't take much imagination to picture the scene

It is another cold morning in the CEH. The central heating is on the blink. Germany is standing on the landing in her dressing-gown, banging furiously on a locked door: “Come on, France. Get a move on! You've been in there for an hour and a half! There are others who want to use the toilet you know!”

France: “I'm doing my make-up. You'll have to wait!”

Holland, Belgium and Luxembourg are strolling past on the way down to breakfast. Holland: “Stop making so much noise, you two!”

Belgium: “Yes, keep quiet. I don't know why you can't share the bathroom like we do.”

Luxembourg: “Yes, we were up at dawn to share a quick shower. Things would be much better if you stopped bickering all the time.”

Germany glowers.

Sweden is downstairs preparing breakfast. “There are only a dozen eggs. Someone will have to go without,” she bellows.

“S'alright,” yells Finland. “Austria's already had her muesli and gone out jogging, and Italy and Greece have been out all night and aren't back yet.”

Spain (from behind a half-open bedroom door): “Who's seen my socks?”

Denmark: “They're in the laundry basket.”

Spain: “But I haven't got any others!”

Denmark: “You should have put them in the wash yourself then. Borrow the UK's.”

UK: “Oh no you don't!”

Spain: “Don't worry. I wouldn't, thanks all the same!”

UK: “I don't want an egg. I want toast and marmalade.”

Sweden: “Too late. I've put the eggs on now.”

Germany (still battering on the bathroom door): “I'll have the UK's egg.”

France (from within): “No you won't, I want it. I'll be out in a minute.”

Ireland (from the kitchen cupboard): “Where's the bread?”

Sweden: “Here.”

Ireland: “No, not that cardboardy black stuff. Where's the proper bread?”

Sweden: “As long as I'm doing the shopping, this is what you'll get.”

Holland: “Isn't it my turn to do the shopping?”

The UK, walking into the kitchen: “I can't eat that stuff. Who's going to iron my shirt?”

Ireland: “Iron your own shirt.”

UK: “Can't.”

France, strolling in dressed to kill: “Don't worry. You'll look just as scruffy without it ironed.”

Luxembourg: “Who's seen the car keys?”

Holland: “Italy and Greece have got them. They took the car to the disco last night.”

Belgium: “So how are we supposed to get to work?”

Sweden: “Walk. It'll do you good.”

Ireland: “Are these eggs done?”

Sweden: “Oh damn! They'll be hard as bullets by now!”

Spain: “These British socks smell!”

UK: “I said don't wear my socks!”

Spain: “Believe me, I wouldn't if I didn't have to.”

Finland: “Stop arguing!”

UK: “Who's making the tea?”

Luxembourg: “I'm making coffee.”

UK: “Don't want coffee.”

Ireland: “I'll have de-caff.”

Denmark: “I want expresso.”

UK: “Don't want coffee.”

France: “I'll just have orange juice.”

Luxembourg: “None left.”

Denmark: “Where's the sugar?”

Sweden: “Sugar's bad for you.”

Austria: (coming in from her jog): “Oh dear, are you lot only just getting up? I'm feeling marvellous. It's cold and fresh out there!”

UK, Ireland, France, Germany, Denmark, Spain (with one voice): “Sod off!”

Finland: “I just love this bracing weather.”

Italy and Greece (coming in through the front door): “Coo-eee! We're home!”

Germany: “What time do you call this? You've been out all night.”

Italy and Greece: “Just a few pints with the east Europeans, then down the disco.”

Luxembourg (disapprovingly): “Can I have the car keys please?”

Greece: “Ah yes, the car”

Italy: “Actually, there's been a spot of bother with the car”

Greece: “A slight accident.”

UK: “These eggs are solid.”

France: “When is someone coming to fix the heating?”

Germany: “There's no more coffee.”

Ireland: “This bread is disgusting.”

To be continued